Beats per Minute
by kelmeister
Summary: Speculation following the viewing of only the promo for 4x19, "47 Seconds." Beckett confronts Castle at his loft about her lie. Will he be willing to forgive her?


_Author's note: This is the conversation I imagined might happen when Kate realizes Rick heard her admit she remembers her shooting. It's based solely on the promo for "47 Seconds;" the sneak peeks have since appeared, but this was written without seeing those._

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At first, even in the quiet, Rick doesn't hear it. At least that is what he tells himself, as the faint, tentative knocking grows slightly louder. He stands with his hands braced far apart on the kitchen counter, an untouched glass of whiskey nearby. He is afraid to drink it, afraid the burning will send his rumbling stomach over the edge. The nausea is already nearly overwhelming, his bowels clenching with each light knock.

_Maybe she will go away._ The guilt of willing her away makes his stomach heave. Heave, clench, heave, clench. _Oh, God._ Rick bows his head, draws in a deep breath. _Vomit, then Alka-Seltzer. That's a plan._

Silence. One beat. Two.

_No._

Rick races to the door and throws it open. Kate is standing at the elevator, staring at the floor. A curtain of hair hides her face. What the hell is he doing, coming out here like this? He is angry, furious, hurt. He hates her. Wants nothing to do with her and her lies. His groin stirs. _Seriously? One minute away from evacuating my bowels and you want sex. I hate you, too, body. When Jack Daniels and I get through with you…._

She finally looks up at him. Eyebrows pinched, mouth pursed in a bow. That look she gets when she's angry with him. He can tell, though, from her red, puffy eyes, that now she is angry with herself.

Neither speaks. Just stares. A heavy silence between them. The elevator opens. Closes.

Silence. One beat. Two.

Why won't she say something? Isn't this the part where she lamely attempts to justify lying to him for months? Where she sobs and begs for his forgiveness, and he resolutely stalks away with a dismissive wave of his hand, ignoring his own heart breaking as he downs a fifth of scotch and vows never to even look at another woman unless he's paying for the privilege?

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Nothing. His mouth is drawn in a tight, taunt line, like he'd as soon choke on his words than let them past his lips. But his eyes are filled with worry. For her? Or for what she might say? Because right now, she's not saying anything. She doesn't know where to begin. Kate mentally kicks herself for failing to run imaginary scripts in her head for this exact moment or a thousand moments like it on her way to his loft, so she'd have something— _anything_—to say to him when he finally acquiesced to see her, but she was too busy crying. So now she stands before him, befuddled and scared and aching and already lonely.

And he's got that look on his face. The one he had in the elevator when he left. She came out of interrogation, having gotten her man, and he already had his coat and was heading out the door. He was obviously angry about something. What could she do? She should have run after him, but she had a façade to maintain, so she put on her coat, warily turned to say goodbye, and saw him shoot her a glare from the elevator that sent chills down her spine. What happened to make him so angry? Had she done something? She reached into her desk for her purse, stood, and suddenly lurched forward, the memory hitting her like a second sniper's bullet.

_"I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!"_

Kate turned, mouth agape, staring at the closed elevator doors.

_"I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!"_

Rick had been in the observation room.

_"I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!"_

And now he was here, in front of her, his mouth still grimly set.

She had a thought. All the bad things that had ever happened to her. All the things she'd survived. Her mother's murder, Montgomery's murder, freezing to death, drowning, bombs, a bullet to the chest, _a tiger, for God's sake!_ Each a check mark, a testament to her strength and resilience. And now she can't muster the strength to say, "I'm sorry."

Silence. Ten beats. Twenty.

Neither moves.

_Just say something!_ Her mind screams at him, invisible fists flailing. _God damn you, make a joke, say you could kill me, just _say something_!_

Silence. One heart beat. Two.

Almost imperceptibly, he shifts.

"I didn't lie," she spits out. Rick huffs. "At the park," she continues, more quietly. "When I told you that I needed to solve my mother's murder before I could give myself to someone, I told the truth."

Rick angrily shakes his head, turns and stalks back into his loft.

Kate bows her head and sighs. "Rick, please," she pleads. She hurries to follow him inside.

Rick stomps to the kitchen counter. "What, Kate? Are we back to this? Are we going to have this conversation again?"

"Castle, I've relived that conversation every single day since we had it. When I was recovering from being shot, it was all I could think about."

"To keep your mind off my confession, huh?"

"Castle!" Kate gasps, clenching her fists, trying to keep an imaginary stranglehold on the situation. It struggles to free itself from her, working itself loose from her grip as Rick reaches for his drink on the counter. He tosses it back, swallows it in a single gulp. He whirls and faces her.

"You could have told me no, you know." He quickly strides to stand over her. She tries not to shrink under his withering gaze, but she's too tired from the crying and the hiding. "You could have let me down gently in the beginning, instead of letting my love fester all these months."

"Fester?" Kate cries out. "Castle—"

"But no. You need to be in control at all times. You need to have me there, waiting for you, always ready and available for whenever you finally need me."

Tears escape Kate's eyes, slowing rolling down her cheeks. He's furious. She's never seen him like this. "Rick, I—"

"Well, I am done. I'm done waiting around for you. I tried to be the stand-up guy. I tried to be supportive. I tried to be whatever you needed me to be. All I expected in return was for you to be honest with me." His voice is a low growl. "We are partners, Kate. And the whole time you were lying."

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Where the hell was all this coming from? It leaves him in a flood. It's everything he's held back, locked away in the back of his mind, horrible, horrible thoughts he can't fathom having about her and her intentions and now he's spilling it all out. _God, she looks crushed._ _Like she's a bug under my shoe, and I just keep grinding until there's nothing left._

"You were right." Her voice is barely a whisper. "When we were fighting in my apartment. About everything." Kate pauses to wipe her tears away with the back of her hand. Crazily, he notices she misses a damp spot under her chin, and it's everything he can do not to touch her. "Everything you said about me, about my mom's case, my—" She pauses, looks him in the eye. "My obsession with it."

She surprises him by walking away, heading into his kitchen. She pours whiskey into his discarded glass, takes a sip, grimaces, but stands straighter. "All those years of looking for her killer, all the dead ends, all the false leads." She swirls the liquid around the glass, heaves a large sigh. "I had to give it up, not only because of what it was doing to me, but because I had nowhere else to go with it."

Kate raises her eyes to him. "And then you told me we could solve it together."

For some reason, this makes Rick angry. His intentions were noble. He was trying to sav—help her. He was trying to help her, because he saw how hurt she was, knowing her mother's killer was still at large. She can't make this all his fault.

"And you're right again," she says, swirling the drink, "I was using you." She barks out a laugh. "I used you when my mother died, did you know that? She was a huge fan of yours. After she died, I read all of your books, every single one she had in her library, to try to keep her close, to keep myself sane." Kate smiles tiredly at him. "That was the first time you saved my life."

"So, I'm in the lead again," he says. He can't help it. It's out before he can stop it. _Mind, I can take care of you at the same time I wreck my body, you know._

Her smile grows wider before quickly fading. "You had resources I couldn't even have imagined. If I was chief of police, I wouldn't have had the pull you do. We were so close."

"But everyone involved was dying," he reminds her. He moves toward her.

"And you were right. You were right to warn me away. Even Roy…." Here she stops, looks again at the glass in her hands, "Not even Roy dying could stop me." She takes another sip.

Rick stands on the other side of the counter across from her. His voice is gentle. "So what happened, Kate? What happened during those three months?"

She looks up at him, fresh tears in her eyes. "You," she chokes. "All I could think about was you. Everything you said in my apartment that night was right. Every single word was a stab in the heart, and it was all true. I was avoiding you, avoiding my feelings, because all I could think about was my mom's murder. You warned me it would get me killed, and it did!" Kate's body heaves with a racking sob.

Rick rushes around the kitchen counter, sweeping Kate into his arms. She buries her face in is shirt, desperately clutching him. Her cries are loud, violent. As he strokes her back and whispers soothing words into her hair, he realizes he's never seen her like this. Sure, she cried when Roy died, and Coonan, and…. This is different. This is her heart and soul laid bare. The floodgates have finally opened, a decade's worth of stinking slurry and slime gushing forth. Has she cried like this with her counselor? With her father? It sounds like a keening. Mourning for all the people she's lost, all the hope. Mourning the loss of her innocence, the woman she once was. _Mourning what she's lost with me?_

He doesn't know how long they stand there, but Kate's sobs begin to ebb. Slowly. One beat. Two. He gradually extracts himself from her embrace. Wipes her cheeks with his thumbs. "Why, Kate?" She hiccups. "Why the lie?"

One heart beat. Two. "Pride?" She questions tentatively. "I was still with Josh. I thought you might still have feelings for Gina. And then I wasn't with Josh, but I wasn't sure." She draws in a breath. "Royce. Roy. My shooting. You. It was too much, too soon. Too much violence. And then I needed to be sure of myself, of my feelings for you, and when I was, I needed to be sure of yours." She shakes her head and sighs, the tears beginning anew. "So many excuses."

Rick feels his own eyes watering. He envelops Kate in his arms. "Oh, Kate," he says, gently rocking her.

"The wall was crumbling," she whispers into his shirt. "It was so good, Castle. The way we were flirting. The looks you gave me. It was like a new relationship. And it was. I was new. I was finally truly ready to let it all go. For the first time since my mom's death, I finally felt free. I guess I thought I wouldn't need to acknowledge it, that you'd told me you loved me. We'd just keep doing what we were doing, and I'd get to a place where I could say it to you, and we'd live happily ever after."

Rick pulls away. "You want happily ever after?"

Kate gives a small, tear-stained smile. "I want you."

Rick chuckles. "Oh, Kate."

Kate begins crying again. Now Rick laughs in earnest, hugging her to him. "Kate. Kate, it's okay."

"I'm sorry!" she cries out. "Rick, I'm so sorry!"

And suddenly, like a lightning strike, it happens. With absolute clarity, Rick understands. "No. Nonononono." He kisses the top of her head. "Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry for needing to heal."

Rick can't stop laughing. He's giddy. She's finally done it, finally let him in, finally let him see her truth in all its tarnished, extraordinary glory. His anger is gone. The vacuum it's left behind is sucking in a hell of a lot of love for Kate, filling him completely. Finally. Finally.

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It's a moment Kate is sure will be burned forever in her memory. He's laughing—_laughing!—_huge, body shaking guffaws. He feels hot like a thousand suns, his happiness radiating from him, warming her. His embrace tightens, and kisses continue to rain down on her head. She doesn't understand it, how she could be so heartbroken one minute—

One beat. Two.

—and all of a sudden, so lightheaded and _free_. He's doing this to her. He's always done this to her.

And suddenly, like a lightning strike, it happens. With absolute clarity, Kate knows. She lifts her gaze to his, taking in his huge smile, his red eyes, his tear-stained face. He's laughing and he's crying, too, crying for her pain and her hurt and her losses and his losses and for everything they've now found. Gently, she reaches out and touches his cheek.

One heart beat. Two.

"Rick, I love you." A smile explodes across her face. "I love you, Rick."

Before she can even blink, his lips crash into hers. He's devouring her. She's being eaten alive and she doesn't care. She finally surrenders, and everything collapses into a pinpoint of awareness: this is what he's always wanted, and it is everything he's ever wanted to give her. Everything he has to give is in this kiss—

One beat. Ten.

—and finally she's ready to give in return.

Finally. Finally.


End file.
